She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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