he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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