Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
