Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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