found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
