All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?