He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.