omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I bet he comes in French.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
