just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
