Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
