Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
