i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
