tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
