she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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