Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
