You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
