Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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