yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
