Plan B is the new Plan A
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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