i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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