From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think I have vodka in my lungs
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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