First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
