hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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