Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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