I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
