I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
