your room smells of hookers.
And success
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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