At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
