I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
