Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
