Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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