It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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