i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
