I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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