Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
