I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
