The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
