Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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