I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
