Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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