this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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