in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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