I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
