i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Congratulations! We have a period
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
