yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
