You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
