guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
