She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
