i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
