I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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