she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
