Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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