I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
