What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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